An old friend called this week. She was in town helping her daughter move. She was the first person who had contacted me in years that knew me before I was ill. At the present time I am down very low; both physically and (consequently) emotionally. I feel very alone. I feel I am a shell of what I was when this woman and I were in contact.
I could not call her back.
I've been very sad over this. It drives home something I've known, and that is that I am very depressed and very empty. I love the Lord and my Heavenly Father; I know they love me. That I have. Should that be enough? A big part of me thinks, "yes"; so then I feel something is wrong with me spiritually.
I must get better. My primary goal in my life right now is to be a good Mother and Grandmother. I can be neither right now.
I'm glad that my friend called. I have been so ill for the last 3 months that I'm mostly bed-bound, and certainly homebound. BUT, I move on Sunday/Monday to a new apartment. It is twice the size of this depressing box. There is a fenced yard for my two Lhasa Apsos that I love so much. Two bedrooms; just a nice place. Things should improve. I have been getting home health services for 2-3 weeks now, and that will continue when I move until I am "too well" to continue to be eligible. I will miss my Aide, Nurse and Physical Therapist. My total of 5 hours a week of services. Before I moved, I had 27 hours of service available to me in Kansas.
I had to withdraw from my course online. It has been a particularly difficult time, but then the last 13 years has been a particularly difficult time. I think I'm realizing something has just got to change.
I will continue to pray, read my scriptures and do all that I can to keep as close to my Heavenly Father and my Savior as I possibly can. I always get "better", but never well. I have to keep hoping.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Water Purifiers / Filters
Water Purifiers / Filters
This (the text above is a link...mouse over it and you'll see) looks like a great water filtration system at a reasonable price. I was just reading the Oprah site, and in the health section, it was talking about if your water was healthy. The answer was that, in the US, yes, you can drink your tap water. IF you are young, healthy...NOT if you are chronically ill or older. I fall in the later category. A recommendation for a certain water filtration system was recommended, so I googled it and looked at several. They all look like this one, but this one is way cheaper. They are currently sold out.
I was actually was reading about MRSA...then about a woman who cut herself while preparing food, and got "flesh eating bacteria" that made her lose her arm! (Maybe that WAS MRSA!! I don't know for sure...) So I was getting a little freaked anyway, and then read this about the water NOT being safe for ME.
It's always something. As Rosann Rosannadana used to say, "it's always something; either there are little bugs in the water, or no one will rent you an apartment, and then there's this 12 years of being sick - that's no fun, let me tell ya!" and I can hear those words in her voice even now. What a loss, her death! She was so talented and funny.
feeling a bit overwhelmed in Utah...
This (the text above is a link...mouse over it and you'll see) looks like a great water filtration system at a reasonable price. I was just reading the Oprah site, and in the health section, it was talking about if your water was healthy. The answer was that, in the US, yes, you can drink your tap water. IF you are young, healthy...NOT if you are chronically ill or older. I fall in the later category. A recommendation for a certain water filtration system was recommended, so I googled it and looked at several. They all look like this one, but this one is way cheaper. They are currently sold out.
I was actually was reading about MRSA...then about a woman who cut herself while preparing food, and got "flesh eating bacteria" that made her lose her arm! (Maybe that WAS MRSA!! I don't know for sure...) So I was getting a little freaked anyway, and then read this about the water NOT being safe for ME.
It's always something. As Rosann Rosannadana used to say, "it's always something; either there are little bugs in the water, or no one will rent you an apartment, and then there's this 12 years of being sick - that's no fun, let me tell ya!" and I can hear those words in her voice even now. What a loss, her death! She was so talented and funny.
feeling a bit overwhelmed in Utah...
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Life, grandchildren, getting A life...back!
My class is coming to the end of week 2 in a 10 week course. They are just so intense because it's a 5 credit hour course, doctoral level,in 10 weeks. And I am so slow. It takes me forever to get something written that I can feel good about. And school online is ALL R & R: Reading and ...riting? Okay, R & W, but it sounded like more of a joke the other way.
I know I am stressed and pushing myself to my limit. The good news is that in the next few weeks I will have some kind of transportation; either a moped or a real cheap car - and they are out there. It's just getting to it and then getting it to Amy's mechanic. We looked at one this week, and then went to the thrift store to find jeans to fit me. I've gone from a size 6 in September to a size 14. It is very, very sad. I am a house again. A short house. NO photos of me, please.
On the up side; I was able to purchase my first month supply of medication from the new Endocrinologist who can get me well. I started today, actually - on progesterone, testosterone and human growth hormone (biomedical - actual human growth hormone). It is kind of exciting, but I know that I'll be putting out several months worth of funds before I will feel significantly better. But when I saw the Doctor last week he said he thought he could get me well enough to work in 6 months. We'll have to roll me to work, but I'll get there. Ha!
Be sure to stop by the Fox Family Blog to see photos of my wonderful grandchildren. I love them so much. And what is really great is that they like me. All four of them. It warms my heart that we are carrying on the "mammaw" tradition. That is what OUR kids called MY Mother. She has been gone now 3 years this past February...I think, it can't be just two. Hmmm. But the point is - It's hard to believe that last summer Derek wouldn't call me mammaw and Blake said "grandma, I mean mammaw" half the time. Katelyn looked right at me the other day and said, in her loud voice, "MAAAA!!". I say to Amy, "She's trying to say Mammaw", because I had just said to her, "Mammaw loves you very much, Katelyn Marie" and then she said "MAAAA!!". Amy said she says that all the time, and that's what she calls her. Oh well. I like my interpretation. Sometimes the boys slip and look right at me and say, "Mom.." and I just answer. I don't want the job: don't get me wrong. I do not know how she does it day after day every week. It is constant, non-stop from the time she gets up until she falls into bed at night. Even if I go stay with the babies for her, it just enables her to run errands easier, and to be with the boys more. And Katelyn, Brandon and I have a blast. The sweetest time is when I feed them lunch, they are half asleep, and I carry them up the stairs for their naps. I can't believe they are almost 2 years old! Look at her blog, and keep in mind that Blake comes about to my chest, and Derek about 3" shorter, and then realize how tiny they are. They start their growth hormone this weekend, I think. Today I think they went to learn how, and I forgot to call. I'm terrible about calling people. I have needed to call Barbara for days and I keep remembering too late. And I owe Lori a call. I wanted to call Amy tonite but didn't want to call late, and of course it was late when I finally got the phone to call.
Do go to A Tail of Six Foxes, and just look at the newest pictures. And yeah, one day this week, I look outside, and after being almost 60 one day,(I know it was that warm on Easter) it snowed 4" or more the next. And stayed all day. But it is so beautiful here when it snows, and Brent or Amy got some good photos of it off their deck. And it was AFTER the photos on the blog Easter Sunday! I took some photos but haven't even uploaded them yet. I don't think I've gotten a good shot since summer. Last year.
Well - I'm signing off. Here's to me getting WELL - well enough to WORK!!! I know of at least two places I want to apply. One is an alternative school, day program for "last chance" kids; teenagers in trouble with the law. The other is LDS Social Services. I can go ahead and get my license in Utah, but it will take me a long time. I won't actually get licensed with my PhD from Capella. I will be a "Doctor", but will hopefully teach - I hope at BYU. I would love to teach Psychology there, and have a practice on the side, helping chronic illness patients. Dr. Purser laughed when I told him, and I said,"what?" and he said, "You are getting ready to have a total paradigm shift where that is concerned!" - -because he can get people like me WELL!! Once I'm working, I'll bring Mary Beth out here and pay to get her well too!! Dr. Purser actually helped me realize I can go back to being a therapist when I go to work. I was prepared to take minimum wage job, because I didn't know how long I would last. But if the new medication (and supplements) do what they are supposed to, I'll be well. I don't know who is reading this, but if you scroll down on the right it shows how many visitors. So someone is!
AND, one more thing - I have zero self-esteem, or sense of self. I do not like myself, except as I see myself through the eyes of my grandchildren. Through everyone else's eyes, I see an old, fat lady who looks haggard, talks way too much, is self-centered and...through my own, I just see loneliness. The GOOD NEWS (besides the fact that no matter what, Heavenly Father loves me, and Jesus loves me - enough to die for me) is that I start "cognitive-behavioral" therapy this week. I'm excited. This person is supposed to be great, and works with ADHD - which is what makes me so discombobulated and makes me talk incessantly. And I can't get anything organized. Without the structure of work, and being so tired and ill, nothing is organized. But I just have to do school, or I will lose my mind. It's like a pinhole of light at the end of a very long tunnel. I better get to bed before I really start to cry.
Farewell, followers; until next time-
Kathie
I know I am stressed and pushing myself to my limit. The good news is that in the next few weeks I will have some kind of transportation; either a moped or a real cheap car - and they are out there. It's just getting to it and then getting it to Amy's mechanic. We looked at one this week, and then went to the thrift store to find jeans to fit me. I've gone from a size 6 in September to a size 14. It is very, very sad. I am a house again. A short house. NO photos of me, please.
On the up side; I was able to purchase my first month supply of medication from the new Endocrinologist who can get me well. I started today, actually - on progesterone, testosterone and human growth hormone (biomedical - actual human growth hormone). It is kind of exciting, but I know that I'll be putting out several months worth of funds before I will feel significantly better. But when I saw the Doctor last week he said he thought he could get me well enough to work in 6 months. We'll have to roll me to work, but I'll get there. Ha!
Be sure to stop by the Fox Family Blog to see photos of my wonderful grandchildren. I love them so much. And what is really great is that they like me. All four of them. It warms my heart that we are carrying on the "mammaw" tradition. That is what OUR kids called MY Mother. She has been gone now 3 years this past February...I think, it can't be just two. Hmmm. But the point is - It's hard to believe that last summer Derek wouldn't call me mammaw and Blake said "grandma, I mean mammaw" half the time. Katelyn looked right at me the other day and said, in her loud voice, "MAAAA!!". I say to Amy, "She's trying to say Mammaw", because I had just said to her, "Mammaw loves you very much, Katelyn Marie" and then she said "MAAAA!!". Amy said she says that all the time, and that's what she calls her. Oh well. I like my interpretation. Sometimes the boys slip and look right at me and say, "Mom.." and I just answer. I don't want the job: don't get me wrong. I do not know how she does it day after day every week. It is constant, non-stop from the time she gets up until she falls into bed at night. Even if I go stay with the babies for her, it just enables her to run errands easier, and to be with the boys more. And Katelyn, Brandon and I have a blast. The sweetest time is when I feed them lunch, they are half asleep, and I carry them up the stairs for their naps. I can't believe they are almost 2 years old! Look at her blog, and keep in mind that Blake comes about to my chest, and Derek about 3" shorter, and then realize how tiny they are. They start their growth hormone this weekend, I think. Today I think they went to learn how, and I forgot to call. I'm terrible about calling people. I have needed to call Barbara for days and I keep remembering too late. And I owe Lori a call. I wanted to call Amy tonite but didn't want to call late, and of course it was late when I finally got the phone to call.
Do go to A Tail of Six Foxes, and just look at the newest pictures. And yeah, one day this week, I look outside, and after being almost 60 one day,(I know it was that warm on Easter) it snowed 4" or more the next. And stayed all day. But it is so beautiful here when it snows, and Brent or Amy got some good photos of it off their deck. And it was AFTER the photos on the blog Easter Sunday! I took some photos but haven't even uploaded them yet. I don't think I've gotten a good shot since summer. Last year.
Well - I'm signing off. Here's to me getting WELL - well enough to WORK!!! I know of at least two places I want to apply. One is an alternative school, day program for "last chance" kids; teenagers in trouble with the law. The other is LDS Social Services. I can go ahead and get my license in Utah, but it will take me a long time. I won't actually get licensed with my PhD from Capella. I will be a "Doctor", but will hopefully teach - I hope at BYU. I would love to teach Psychology there, and have a practice on the side, helping chronic illness patients. Dr. Purser laughed when I told him, and I said,"what?" and he said, "You are getting ready to have a total paradigm shift where that is concerned!" - -because he can get people like me WELL!! Once I'm working, I'll bring Mary Beth out here and pay to get her well too!! Dr. Purser actually helped me realize I can go back to being a therapist when I go to work. I was prepared to take minimum wage job, because I didn't know how long I would last. But if the new medication (and supplements) do what they are supposed to, I'll be well. I don't know who is reading this, but if you scroll down on the right it shows how many visitors. So someone is!
AND, one more thing - I have zero self-esteem, or sense of self. I do not like myself, except as I see myself through the eyes of my grandchildren. Through everyone else's eyes, I see an old, fat lady who looks haggard, talks way too much, is self-centered and...through my own, I just see loneliness. The GOOD NEWS (besides the fact that no matter what, Heavenly Father loves me, and Jesus loves me - enough to die for me) is that I start "cognitive-behavioral" therapy this week. I'm excited. This person is supposed to be great, and works with ADHD - which is what makes me so discombobulated and makes me talk incessantly. And I can't get anything organized. Without the structure of work, and being so tired and ill, nothing is organized. But I just have to do school, or I will lose my mind. It's like a pinhole of light at the end of a very long tunnel. I better get to bed before I really start to cry.
Farewell, followers; until next time-
Kathie
Monday, April 6, 2009
New School Term
I start today, hopefully in my new course at Capella University. Speaking with my Academic Advisor, we discussed changing my specialization from Organizational Psychology to Health Psychology, which looks really interesting. I'm taking a class that could go for either specialization, but am relatively confident I will be changing. I can pull in a course on coaching, the reason I went into I/O Psychology in the first place.
I ordered my first batch of expensive new medication - getting the growth hormone shots and the testosterone. $333.00! I couldn't afford to get the progesterone, which is $69.00. The progesterone and testosterone will last a little over a month (possibly longer), but at the initial dose (0.2) the growth hormone- $270.00; and at that dose it will last 25 days. But he is planning to increase gradually, I just don't know how high. It's still cheaper than the babies are going to have to do, but they, and I are going to apply to get it through the pharmaceutical company for free.
Enough about that, although it is a good subject, because it has to do with me getting well. As of right now, my grade has been submitted for my first class, but since I misunderstood what my instructor said about some of my assignments, I took a B by choice. I just could not stress over getting three difficult and involved assignments done over a day and a half. As it is, I still can't get enrolled until I call. Which is where I am heading now.
I will get new batteries for my camera when I get my student loan refund. Then I can post some photos of the scenery around where I live (the snow covered mountains), the boys - Tobe and Bo - and I guess I should have someone take a photo of the boys and I together. After I get them bathed, that is!
Until then - pray for me, that the new medication may make me well -- that I might remain well enough to complete my second course in Life Span Development, which I am looking forward to, since so much has changed since I took it.
For those who didn't see Conference this weekend, and who can watch it on "On Demand", I highly recommend it, either that or buy the Ensign when it comes out next month. Amazing Conference talks. Until next time.
I ordered my first batch of expensive new medication - getting the growth hormone shots and the testosterone. $333.00! I couldn't afford to get the progesterone, which is $69.00. The progesterone and testosterone will last a little over a month (possibly longer), but at the initial dose (0.2) the growth hormone- $270.00; and at that dose it will last 25 days. But he is planning to increase gradually, I just don't know how high. It's still cheaper than the babies are going to have to do, but they, and I are going to apply to get it through the pharmaceutical company for free.
Enough about that, although it is a good subject, because it has to do with me getting well. As of right now, my grade has been submitted for my first class, but since I misunderstood what my instructor said about some of my assignments, I took a B by choice. I just could not stress over getting three difficult and involved assignments done over a day and a half. As it is, I still can't get enrolled until I call. Which is where I am heading now.
I will get new batteries for my camera when I get my student loan refund. Then I can post some photos of the scenery around where I live (the snow covered mountains), the boys - Tobe and Bo - and I guess I should have someone take a photo of the boys and I together. After I get them bathed, that is!
Until then - pray for me, that the new medication may make me well -- that I might remain well enough to complete my second course in Life Span Development, which I am looking forward to, since so much has changed since I took it.
For those who didn't see Conference this weekend, and who can watch it on "On Demand", I highly recommend it, either that or buy the Ensign when it comes out next month. Amazing Conference talks. Until next time.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Course complete and I have an "A"
I finally completed my first online graduate class. And let me tell ya, this PhD work is tough. People think, oh, you're getting your degree online - they probably just let you put in your time and get your degree. Nah-uh. Not the case. And I, for one, am very glad to make this discovery, because with tuition, I want my money's worth. I want to have to work for that "A". And I did.
My final project was a 12 page research paper, complete with cover, table of contents, abstract and reference page. My reference page went two pages! I couldn't believe it. We only had to have 6 sources, but no way I could have made my points with only 6 sources. And when writing at the doctoral level, you have to back up everything you say with an article from a professional journal, at least in psychology.
As soon as my professor reads my email, and gives me a grade, I can get the hold lifted, and start class Monday, right on time for Spring Quarter, which runs from April 6- June..2nd Friday, around the 15th. I will have my financial aid around the end of this month, and I am going to have to use the majority of it for medication that I have to have to get well. I am excited because once I start the medications I should start to notice a difference in energy levels within the first month. He did say I was "very ill" and it could take up to 18 months to be completely well, and even then, I will always have to replace these hormones that my body does not make. The good new? After awhile I should be able to get off prednisone. He felt quite sure I did not have Addisons, but rather my Adrenal gland wasn't working properly because my thyroid and pituitary are not.
I spent all day yesterday going to doctors; two pain clinics. One, for my back, the other because I am on contract to only get my medication through them. I still don't have my Suboxone back yet, but I will. At least, I will be very surprised if I don't get it back. I had no idea how much it was controlling my fibromyalgia, arthritis (Lupus?) pain, but every muscle and joint in my body was screaming, and I hurt worse than I had in years. And what they gave me for it only worked once - the first pill helped, and after that, nada. But now I can take it 3 times a day for 60mg total, as opposed to 20mg at bedtime, which is how it was Rx previously.
And that is the news from here. I hope all my many readers are doing well. Next on the list? Get a moped out of this check; and that's it. A moped and my medication. That is it! I can't believe that once again a car is pushed farther into the future. As long as I am getting well, it's worth it. Next on the list after that? Get a social life. But that is a whole other post entirely.
My final project was a 12 page research paper, complete with cover, table of contents, abstract and reference page. My reference page went two pages! I couldn't believe it. We only had to have 6 sources, but no way I could have made my points with only 6 sources. And when writing at the doctoral level, you have to back up everything you say with an article from a professional journal, at least in psychology.
As soon as my professor reads my email, and gives me a grade, I can get the hold lifted, and start class Monday, right on time for Spring Quarter, which runs from April 6- June..2nd Friday, around the 15th. I will have my financial aid around the end of this month, and I am going to have to use the majority of it for medication that I have to have to get well. I am excited because once I start the medications I should start to notice a difference in energy levels within the first month. He did say I was "very ill" and it could take up to 18 months to be completely well, and even then, I will always have to replace these hormones that my body does not make. The good new? After awhile I should be able to get off prednisone. He felt quite sure I did not have Addisons, but rather my Adrenal gland wasn't working properly because my thyroid and pituitary are not.
I spent all day yesterday going to doctors; two pain clinics. One, for my back, the other because I am on contract to only get my medication through them. I still don't have my Suboxone back yet, but I will. At least, I will be very surprised if I don't get it back. I had no idea how much it was controlling my fibromyalgia, arthritis (Lupus?) pain, but every muscle and joint in my body was screaming, and I hurt worse than I had in years. And what they gave me for it only worked once - the first pill helped, and after that, nada. But now I can take it 3 times a day for 60mg total, as opposed to 20mg at bedtime, which is how it was Rx previously.
And that is the news from here. I hope all my many readers are doing well. Next on the list? Get a moped out of this check; and that's it. A moped and my medication. That is it! I can't believe that once again a car is pushed farther into the future. As long as I am getting well, it's worth it. Next on the list after that? Get a social life. But that is a whole other post entirely.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Great News On All Fronts!
First, let me say that all of the wonderful things in my life are attributed to my Heavenly Father, who I know loves me as his child. Miracles Happen; Believe it!
I called a couple of days ago to speak to my advisor at Capella University about the incomplete I was so worried about. I found out that I can start my next class, take the next quarter to finish, if I wish, and will get my financial aid without a glitch. It turns out, I was told, that although there is a policy to the contrary, there is no mechanism in place to enforce it or stall your financial aid. I also changed my course. I was taking Introduction to Organizational Psych. I realized how boring it sounded, and re-read the section in our text, "Careers in Psychology" regarding I/O Psych, and decided...yuck! This is not where I really want to be! I was looking around the Psychology department PhD and PsyD programs. I would absolutely LOVE to get my PsyD. And who knows what could happen in a year while I'm taking the core classes. That, is the other good news.
I finally made it to see Dr. Danny Purser, an endocrinologist. I was referred to him in June, when I went to my first doctor, who gave me referrals for every specialist I needed based on the illnesses I had been diagnosed with in the last 13 years. But I couldn't afford to see him because he doesn't file any federal or state insurance. But he agreed to see me "Pro Bono" - free. Said I would need any money I had for the drugs, because they are costly. One injectable pen of human growth hormone=$250, and that's cheap, cheap. He said retail was $400. each. More on that in a minute.
He asked me several questions based on what information I had given about symptomology over the phone, and it was, "Yes"..."yes"..."yes". He said, okay, let's look at your blood work, essentially saying let me show you the proof. He was so funny too. First of all he had a major car accident, as I did, and fell ill afterward, like I did. Being a Doctor, he did research (which he gives to patients with the same problem) and then he learned what had happened and how to fix it. What is so cute is that as I would ask questions, he would call me "grasshopper" (vintage 1968-1974 approx.-- Kung Foo with Richard Caradine...the Master always called him "grasshopper"). So I would ask how exactly something worked that he was explaining, and he would say, "Not so fast, grasshopper!" He used it in similar ways throughout the interview.
I have what is called Anterior Pituitary Gland Dysfunction. It turns out that stress causes harm to the Pituitary Gland, which is the headquarters of all hormones. Hormones are what keep us healthy and happy. No hormones, you die. I had made a list of all my medications, when they were first prescribed, and what they were prescribed for, and by whom. He looked at the earliest date (I realized much later) and asked me what happened that year. Turns out it was the year I had a hysterectomy. Then some family stress - major family stress. Then I started working two jobs, then I burned out after 10 years and moved to California where I was fine until I was in a MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident). Because, next, he asked what happened that year. Because on my list, the "cascade" of meds that I have to take daily started being prescribed.
He then explained to me that stress is damaging the pituitary gland, and can be so severe if you are under severe stress for long periods and/or have one major trauma to the body (and some people are more sensitive to this than others), you can actually burn out your pituitary gland. He explained that there were hormones that were essential to life: estradiol(even though I had been taking this, I didn't have enough, almost none), progesterone and testosterone, but also - and this surprised me - human growth hormone. We need this our whole life. Ever heard the phrase,"Get busy living or get busy dying"? Well, our bodies re-constitute themselves in a cycle, shedding old cells and making new ones. Without these essential hormones, this process is all screwed up. PLUS, these hormones are then responsible for Thyroid function (it all actually begins in the hypothalamus, then pituitary, then Thyroid. My Thyroid was low, my cortisol had bottomed out dangerously low (one week on a higher dose of prednisone to replace this and I feel 75% better). My Estradial, Testosterone Human Growth Hormone were all extremely low - too low to be doing me any good. So I must replace these things, as well as melatonin for sleep. Turns out, the sleeping pill I have been on, Rozerem, is "bio-medical" melatonin. What that means is that is that it is created in a lab, like medication always are, but is mostly human-hence the bio part. I'm just not getting enough. Exactly the same with the estradiol; what I take is bio-medical.
Down side? It's costly. Upside? I am blessed with the fact that my decision to return to school means that every three months I get some extra funds left over after my tuition is paid. I had planned to get a car this time, and still may, but my medications will be around $300 a month, maybe more, as we slowly increase the growth hormone. Fortunately, this can be deducted from my Medicaid deductible as well as my housing!! I may even come out ahead this year if they both count it!!
Anyway, back to the Dr. visit...he looked at me, so serious, and said, "You are a very sick woman; did you know that?" I'm like, yeah, I had a clue when I have hurt every day for 13 years now, and am exhausted all the time no matter how much I sleep; I can't think, and my personality has changed... So, Yeah, I knew, but didn't know it was this bad.
He started to say that in a year I would be off all the prescription medications I currently take and feel well again. Then he changed it to 18 mos. That is when said I was very ill, based on the labs and my answers to his questions. This is his specialty. He even goes once monthly to work with another endocrinologist in Southern California at US He is the only physician I have talked to who know Dr. Dan Wallace, the Lupus Guru of all lupus patients who've done any research/reading about it. He is at Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles where I was when I fell ill, and he diagnosed my Lupus (now in remission, or was when I got here).
Toward the end, after discussing his California visits, he said, "you'll have to come with me out to California sometime when I consult with ...I forget the name of the Endocrinologist, but they both specialize in the same things. I thought that was very cool. I may (or may not) have been the fact that I had been a professional prior to becoming ill as well. Or maybe not. He is by far the most caring, concerned, empathic, authentic Doctor I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot. I felt like crying with relief, but couldn't. I just felt like I was floating. And I trust it; I trust the Doctor who referred me, and when he heard I was finally getting to see Dr. Purser he was thrilled (the referring doctor was thrilled), and said, "We send our patients, like you, to him, and they come back well and thank us. He's our secret weapon". The nurse practitioner I see first said he was so "stoked" I was getting in to see him! He was visibly excited. I have been to that clinic quite a bit, and they are also warm and empathic. Both Nexus - the first doctor(s) I saw, and Dr. Purser both believe NOT in treating symptoms, but in finding the source of the symptom and dealing with that. I have to call Kim Strong. She will be so thrilled to hear this, and to learn about it!! She probably already knows it!
Anyway, that's my news. It's late. I slept from 6:30-11:30. I was up from 9:30 until 6:30 and just collapsed. All day Monday I was gone, taking two buses two hours each way to see a Doctor; Tues in bed, Wed went early early to Amy's - caught the bus at 9:30am (great for me right now) and stayed overnight and she brought me home at about 6:00pm. I left double food and water for Tobe and Bo and they didn't touch it! I was so upset for them. It's instinct though- the don't know how long I will be gone, how long they have to make that last. I had forgotten to replace the old "poddy pads" with new ones, so they were so good,just went were the poddy pad would have been in the bathroom, but not much, because they didn't ingest much. Neither of them has eaten a meal yet since I've been home.
But I'm signing off to go to bed now. Don't forget: Miracles do happen. I think, and I realize that had I not had an aptitude to become somewhat computer savvy, I wouldn't have kept updating my computer, and if I hadn't gotten the lap top, there is no way I could have started working on my PhD., and had I not started working on my PhD, I wouldn't have the funds to get well. So the initial event to get me well actually happened 3 years BEFORE I became ill, when I got my first PC and started learning all I could. Now if that's not God's plan, I don'tknow what is. The events of my healing were set in motion before I was sick. And I had been looking for schools, researching the best ones, etc., since October, if not before.
I thank God for this miracle. I thank him for taking care of me and carrying me through to this point in time. I hate that I lost so many years, but that's past. NOW I know I have a future. I used to cry over the loss of a future, because that's what I anticipated. Good night,all.
I called a couple of days ago to speak to my advisor at Capella University about the incomplete I was so worried about. I found out that I can start my next class, take the next quarter to finish, if I wish, and will get my financial aid without a glitch. It turns out, I was told, that although there is a policy to the contrary, there is no mechanism in place to enforce it or stall your financial aid. I also changed my course. I was taking Introduction to Organizational Psych. I realized how boring it sounded, and re-read the section in our text, "Careers in Psychology" regarding I/O Psych, and decided...yuck! This is not where I really want to be! I was looking around the Psychology department PhD and PsyD programs. I would absolutely LOVE to get my PsyD. And who knows what could happen in a year while I'm taking the core classes. That, is the other good news.
I finally made it to see Dr. Danny Purser, an endocrinologist. I was referred to him in June, when I went to my first doctor, who gave me referrals for every specialist I needed based on the illnesses I had been diagnosed with in the last 13 years. But I couldn't afford to see him because he doesn't file any federal or state insurance. But he agreed to see me "Pro Bono" - free. Said I would need any money I had for the drugs, because they are costly. One injectable pen of human growth hormone=$250, and that's cheap, cheap. He said retail was $400. each. More on that in a minute.
He asked me several questions based on what information I had given about symptomology over the phone, and it was, "Yes"..."yes"..."yes". He said, okay, let's look at your blood work, essentially saying let me show you the proof. He was so funny too. First of all he had a major car accident, as I did, and fell ill afterward, like I did. Being a Doctor, he did research (which he gives to patients with the same problem) and then he learned what had happened and how to fix it. What is so cute is that as I would ask questions, he would call me "grasshopper" (vintage 1968-1974 approx.-- Kung Foo with Richard Caradine...the Master always called him "grasshopper"). So I would ask how exactly something worked that he was explaining, and he would say, "Not so fast, grasshopper!" He used it in similar ways throughout the interview.
I have what is called Anterior Pituitary Gland Dysfunction. It turns out that stress causes harm to the Pituitary Gland, which is the headquarters of all hormones. Hormones are what keep us healthy and happy. No hormones, you die. I had made a list of all my medications, when they were first prescribed, and what they were prescribed for, and by whom. He looked at the earliest date (I realized much later) and asked me what happened that year. Turns out it was the year I had a hysterectomy. Then some family stress - major family stress. Then I started working two jobs, then I burned out after 10 years and moved to California where I was fine until I was in a MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident). Because, next, he asked what happened that year. Because on my list, the "cascade" of meds that I have to take daily started being prescribed.
He then explained to me that stress is damaging the pituitary gland, and can be so severe if you are under severe stress for long periods and/or have one major trauma to the body (and some people are more sensitive to this than others), you can actually burn out your pituitary gland. He explained that there were hormones that were essential to life: estradiol(even though I had been taking this, I didn't have enough, almost none), progesterone and testosterone, but also - and this surprised me - human growth hormone. We need this our whole life. Ever heard the phrase,"Get busy living or get busy dying"? Well, our bodies re-constitute themselves in a cycle, shedding old cells and making new ones. Without these essential hormones, this process is all screwed up. PLUS, these hormones are then responsible for Thyroid function (it all actually begins in the hypothalamus, then pituitary, then Thyroid. My Thyroid was low, my cortisol had bottomed out dangerously low (one week on a higher dose of prednisone to replace this and I feel 75% better). My Estradial, Testosterone Human Growth Hormone were all extremely low - too low to be doing me any good. So I must replace these things, as well as melatonin for sleep. Turns out, the sleeping pill I have been on, Rozerem, is "bio-medical" melatonin. What that means is that is that it is created in a lab, like medication always are, but is mostly human-hence the bio part. I'm just not getting enough. Exactly the same with the estradiol; what I take is bio-medical.
Down side? It's costly. Upside? I am blessed with the fact that my decision to return to school means that every three months I get some extra funds left over after my tuition is paid. I had planned to get a car this time, and still may, but my medications will be around $300 a month, maybe more, as we slowly increase the growth hormone. Fortunately, this can be deducted from my Medicaid deductible as well as my housing!! I may even come out ahead this year if they both count it!!
Anyway, back to the Dr. visit...he looked at me, so serious, and said, "You are a very sick woman; did you know that?" I'm like, yeah, I had a clue when I have hurt every day for 13 years now, and am exhausted all the time no matter how much I sleep; I can't think, and my personality has changed... So, Yeah, I knew, but didn't know it was this bad.
He started to say that in a year I would be off all the prescription medications I currently take and feel well again. Then he changed it to 18 mos. That is when said I was very ill, based on the labs and my answers to his questions. This is his specialty. He even goes once monthly to work with another endocrinologist in Southern California at US He is the only physician I have talked to who know Dr. Dan Wallace, the Lupus Guru of all lupus patients who've done any research/reading about it. He is at Cedar Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles where I was when I fell ill, and he diagnosed my Lupus (now in remission, or was when I got here).
Toward the end, after discussing his California visits, he said, "you'll have to come with me out to California sometime when I consult with ...I forget the name of the Endocrinologist, but they both specialize in the same things. I thought that was very cool. I may (or may not) have been the fact that I had been a professional prior to becoming ill as well. Or maybe not. He is by far the most caring, concerned, empathic, authentic Doctor I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot. I felt like crying with relief, but couldn't. I just felt like I was floating. And I trust it; I trust the Doctor who referred me, and when he heard I was finally getting to see Dr. Purser he was thrilled (the referring doctor was thrilled), and said, "We send our patients, like you, to him, and they come back well and thank us. He's our secret weapon". The nurse practitioner I see first said he was so "stoked" I was getting in to see him! He was visibly excited. I have been to that clinic quite a bit, and they are also warm and empathic. Both Nexus - the first doctor(s) I saw, and Dr. Purser both believe NOT in treating symptoms, but in finding the source of the symptom and dealing with that. I have to call Kim Strong. She will be so thrilled to hear this, and to learn about it!! She probably already knows it!
Anyway, that's my news. It's late. I slept from 6:30-11:30. I was up from 9:30 until 6:30 and just collapsed. All day Monday I was gone, taking two buses two hours each way to see a Doctor; Tues in bed, Wed went early early to Amy's - caught the bus at 9:30am (great for me right now) and stayed overnight and she brought me home at about 6:00pm. I left double food and water for Tobe and Bo and they didn't touch it! I was so upset for them. It's instinct though- the don't know how long I will be gone, how long they have to make that last. I had forgotten to replace the old "poddy pads" with new ones, so they were so good,just went were the poddy pad would have been in the bathroom, but not much, because they didn't ingest much. Neither of them has eaten a meal yet since I've been home.
But I'm signing off to go to bed now. Don't forget: Miracles do happen. I think, and I realize that had I not had an aptitude to become somewhat computer savvy, I wouldn't have kept updating my computer, and if I hadn't gotten the lap top, there is no way I could have started working on my PhD., and had I not started working on my PhD, I wouldn't have the funds to get well. So the initial event to get me well actually happened 3 years BEFORE I became ill, when I got my first PC and started learning all I could. Now if that's not God's plan, I don'tknow what is. The events of my healing were set in motion before I was sick. And I had been looking for schools, researching the best ones, etc., since October, if not before.
I thank God for this miracle. I thank him for taking care of me and carrying me through to this point in time. I hate that I lost so many years, but that's past. NOW I know I have a future. I used to cry over the loss of a future, because that's what I anticipated. Good night,all.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Addendum to previous post...
Forgot to tell you - you can click on the photos and see them larger.
Just for those of you not so familiar with these things. (Mary Beth and Lori!)
Love ya,
Kathie
Just for those of you not so familiar with these things. (Mary Beth and Lori!)
Love ya,
Kathie
School, illness,family, and finding my way.
Hello, readers:
First, and foremost, the fun. Here are some recent photos of my family. Okay, some not so recent. You can go to their blog and see them, but for any readers who don't, here are a few.
This is one of me with the kids Christmas night, after all festivities were long over, and I said, "I wanted a photo of me with everyone!" So this is what I got. Oh, well. I'm not so photogenic anymore anyway.
It is so hard, it seems, to catch Blake at his best, like I see him in person. This was last fall, obviously, but it's such a great photo of what he is really like.
Like I have said, Katelyn is a little miss priss who loves to "ham" it up!
This is another of those great "Blake" photos, that show his personality. The one before this is his classic, no-smile face. 
This was Christmas, Katelyn with her first real babydoll. If you follow their blog at all, you know she much prefers accessorizing to playing with dolls, anyday.
This is actually a family photo taken in California last summer. The Fox family (Brent's family) all got together and had a photographer come. They all dressed in white tops and jeans - casual.
This is just one of a ton of photos of Brandon with one of the boys. I thought this was a particularly cute one.
For a real photo treat of the family, please go to http://twiceblessedtwice.blogspot.com/
and see them all!
So, on with the post. It will undoubtedly be long, since I post once every two-six months, on average. Since I last posted, I have had a Fibromyalgia flare of relatively large magnitude. Maybe a 5.8 on the Richter scale. So tired and hurt so bad. The strongest thing I take these days for pain is Naproxen and Tylenol. At least my head is a little bit clearer.
I had to take an incomplete in my first class, and am not happy about it. I am getting there, in terms of being caught up; I had 8 assignments left, and now I have 4, so halfway there, but increasingly more able to think clearly. But I'm scared. No one can tell me for certain that I can go to school next quarter, or tell me when the work has to be done by to do so. So I'm just doing my best to get it done, and done well, as there were assignments that couldn't be made up due to the nature of online education (classroom participation that is locked after the assignment is completed). Think good thoughts, please?
I had a scare week before last. On a Tues, and again on Thurs. I had episodes much like ones I used to have years ago, which turned out to be medication toxicity, or clash of medications. I am on so little now, by comparison, I don't think this was it. But the first one was so bad, I could not stay cognizant long enough to call Amy, which was scary. I'm chalking this up to being a result of being, a) anemic; b) very low Vt D, c) very low potassium, and last and most importantly, very low cortisol. The symptoms, I realized were those of Addison's, and I had been having other symptoms and not identifying them. So back on the higher doses of Prednisone until I get leveled out. I am just so tired. But I will not give up this easy. Next student loan, end of April; with the extra funds I will be purchasing a vehicle for the first time in over 10 years. Yep, December, 1998 was the last time I owned my own vehicle. It won't be grand, as I must squeeze 3-6 months of insurance out of the funds, plus savings for gas and upkeep. Plus $ to family (money owed). So I am excited, as much as one can be on a day when, even if I had a car, it would be a "no drive" day with the "fibro fog" being so bad. No drive days will be those when I am either too exhausted, thinking clouded by fatigue or medication, just not myself. So that means about 60% of the time I can drive, right now. But I will be well be June, when it's warm, and I'm walking more, and then it will be more like 90%. YEAH!!!
My daughter and her family have a wonderful blog. They write in it much more frequently, and if you go all the way back to June 2007 in their old blog, you can read the story of the miracle babies; twins born at 28 weeks, one with a bowel obstruction, pulmonary problems, not to mention having a stroke at 2 months of age - It is a heart wrenching and heartwarming story. Old blog: http://brandondandkatelyn.blogpot.com and current blog is http://twiceblessedtwice.blogspot.com
It just seemed time to start a family blog, whereas the other one had it's beginnings as a means of communicating with many people in one place about any news of the twins.
I know that I will get better soon. My boys, Tobe and Bo know it too, as they got a long walk yesterday, and are pooped out today. They are so great, and during these times when I'm too exhausted to walk to the bus to go see my family, and Amy is so busy she can't come to me, my boys keep me sane. They always have; well, Tobe for 9and a half years, and Bo for 2 and a half. Bo has turned out to be the sweetest dog. He is just a love, and snuggles; Tobe is a very sweet boy as well, but not big on snuggling. He's always been his own little man.
I had been psyching myself up for getting myself to my Doctor appt. tomorrow, getting my school work done in time that I could help Amy NEXT week when Brent would be gone. I just spoke with her and found out that he left yesterday. I just feel awful. I want so much to help, but for months I've been no good to her. When the boys started Kindergarten, every Wed. I went up to be with them. They read to me, and I to them. Then I got too sick to go every week. At Christmas, Amy and I had talked about going to Breakfast one Sat. a month, just the two of us. Since I'm not out of bed these days before 2pm, that would be quite difficult, thus it hasn't happened. I can't help it, but I feel awful anyway. I was taking care of myself before this started. It was after, when I haven't had the energy, that I haven't done such a bang up job. If anyone out there has Fibro, or any of the Invisible Chronic Illnesses (ICI- yes, it is a terminology used in medicine), you understand. If you don't, you can't. Unless, you have had a bad case of the flu you hurt all over,you feel feverish and you are so tired you just can hardly get out of bed. Women with families have to. I thought going to school would keep me well. It did the opposite. I know the moment when I let myself get over the stress line to illness. It was the week I had to go do a face to face interview with someone working in the field I am going into- executive coaching. I had no professional attire, I was going to have to get rides, there and back, and it was just so humiliating. That was week 7 and that's when I collapsed. I remember because I got sick the day after the interview and couldn't get my work done that week. And I got worse before I got to where I could think again. It's just frustrating. This isn't how it was supposed to be!
I moved here for two reasons: to be with my daughter and grandchildren, and to help her; and to be in a place where it would be easier to keep my faith, and the commandments inherent in being LDS(Mormon). I am doing the latter relatively well - no smoking, drinking alcohol or coffee, paying an honest tithe monthly and going to church and magnifying my calling. The last two are affected by my health, and consequently since October and November, my attendance has dropped dramatically. Foot surgery (twice) botched, leaving me with foot pain, and a back procedure promised to leave me pain free for a year, that did absolutely nothing. If anything, my back is worse. And more recently the fibro flare. With a laptop, I can do school being ill to a certain degree. But going to and sitting through church is more taxing and harder to do. For example, I am typing this post in full recline mode, on the heating pad. If I could go to church online I would have it made!
Ah, the ramblings of an old woman living alone. I go days talking to no one, weeks not seeing anyone sometimes. But I am excited to go to the doctor, and hopefully, get a Rx for the newest Fibromyalgia drug, Savella - very promising. Works like Cymbalta (also approved for the treatment of Fibromyalgia, as is Lyrica), in that it is an SNRI (Seritonin and Norepinepherine reuptake inhibitor), but works on people that cymbalta did not. I have tried Cymbalta, at the highest dosage, and noticed no difference. But..it was winter. All bets off in the winter, even in Utah where it is dry and mostly without wind, so the cold is very tolerable - and mostly pretty - since it is accompanied by snow almost all winter! Loved that! Anyway, Lyrica made me crazy and asleep. So it's time to try the next. I must exercise and eat better as well. I've been in no eat mode. Living alone, with no in home help, it is circular. I feel so bad I don't get out of bed to cook, so I eat junk. Sweets and bad carbs. And cheese. So then because of my diet being poor I become more ill. Then I'm even less inclined to cook. Finally started eating at least one deli chicken and cheese sandwich on good whole wheat bread daily, and drinking at least 8 oz of V8 fruit and vegetable juice (1 serving of each out of each 8 oz glass). Feel a bit better.
I want to start sharing here the books I am reading and excited about. So, here goes. No matter what I am always reading something. I'm in bed a lot these days, and have to take a break from school and sleep occasionally! So here is my current reading pile...I mean list:
1. Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage, published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This book is so wonderful; I feel like I am getting to know my Savior up close and personal. Talmage's treatise was written in an upper room in the Temple in Salt Lake City, UT, published in 1973. This is heavy reading. It took me 10 false starts before I picked it up one day and can't wait to get back to it once I've put it down. I'm only halfway through, and have read many chapters twice, and every footnote as well. I feel closer to Jesus now that ever. When I say he is my savior, I know what that means in a deeper more meaningful way. Don't go through life without reading this. (and the Bible and the Book of Mormon; read it through once just to see what all the hoopla is about!
2. Taming Your Gremlin:A Surprisingly Simple Method of Getting Out of Your Own Way. By Rick Carson. Original book written 20 years ago, this is an updated, revised and value-added version.
3. Outliers; the story of success. By Malcolm Gladwell. Just came out. Gladwell is well known mostly for his book The Tipping Point: How little things can make a big difference, but also for Blink: the power of thinking without thinking. Outliers, what I know so far, is about people who are extraordinary in someway (Benjamin Franklin, for example), and what they have in common. Blink was excellent - read it about 3 years ago. So I am excited to read this one.
4.Coaching for Performance by John Whitmore. Whitmore is the father of coaching in some ways. My PhD that I am working on is in Psychology, specifically in Industrial and Organizational Psychology; known as I/O Psych. My concentration is executive coaching, which means I will go into major corporations and do individual and group coaching with executives, CEO's, etc., to help them when they are having difficulty, say with their team being aligned against him over some incident, and he can't get things shifted back. The investment of up to hundreds of thousands of dollars weekly for a good executive coach is well worth the money in time and productivity that is going down the drain.
And by the way, I have a friend in Kansas, that I have done a horrible job of keeping up with. I miss her calls, and don't listen to my messages. Lori, if you see this, I love you, and miss you, and think of you daily when I hug Bo. Here are some pics of our last night together before I left. I am still your friend; just a lousy one. I will do better! Here we are - the proverbial photo when no one is there to take one for you! And you with our Bo...He misses his Aunt Lori, I think even more than Tobe.
I will stop here. I do want to tell any reader(s) that I found the greatest blogs:
http://www.UrbanMonk.net is one, another is
http://www.illuminatedmind.net/, and the third is http://zenhabits.net/
I know. They don't sound like the blogs I would read. But if you've known me along time, you know that I find the gospel in zen. Don't ask.
Good afternoon, and I will see you here next month! Or who knows; maybe sooner!
First, and foremost, the fun. Here are some recent photos of my family. Okay, some not so recent. You can go to their blog and see them, but for any readers who don't, here are a few.
For a real photo treat of the family, please go to http://twiceblessedtwice.blogspot.com/
and see them all!
So, on with the post. It will undoubtedly be long, since I post once every two-six months, on average. Since I last posted, I have had a Fibromyalgia flare of relatively large magnitude. Maybe a 5.8 on the Richter scale. So tired and hurt so bad. The strongest thing I take these days for pain is Naproxen and Tylenol. At least my head is a little bit clearer.
I had to take an incomplete in my first class, and am not happy about it. I am getting there, in terms of being caught up; I had 8 assignments left, and now I have 4, so halfway there, but increasingly more able to think clearly. But I'm scared. No one can tell me for certain that I can go to school next quarter, or tell me when the work has to be done by to do so. So I'm just doing my best to get it done, and done well, as there were assignments that couldn't be made up due to the nature of online education (classroom participation that is locked after the assignment is completed). Think good thoughts, please?
I had a scare week before last. On a Tues, and again on Thurs. I had episodes much like ones I used to have years ago, which turned out to be medication toxicity, or clash of medications. I am on so little now, by comparison, I don't think this was it. But the first one was so bad, I could not stay cognizant long enough to call Amy, which was scary. I'm chalking this up to being a result of being, a) anemic; b) very low Vt D, c) very low potassium, and last and most importantly, very low cortisol. The symptoms, I realized were those of Addison's, and I had been having other symptoms and not identifying them. So back on the higher doses of Prednisone until I get leveled out. I am just so tired. But I will not give up this easy. Next student loan, end of April; with the extra funds I will be purchasing a vehicle for the first time in over 10 years. Yep, December, 1998 was the last time I owned my own vehicle. It won't be grand, as I must squeeze 3-6 months of insurance out of the funds, plus savings for gas and upkeep. Plus $ to family (money owed). So I am excited, as much as one can be on a day when, even if I had a car, it would be a "no drive" day with the "fibro fog" being so bad. No drive days will be those when I am either too exhausted, thinking clouded by fatigue or medication, just not myself. So that means about 60% of the time I can drive, right now. But I will be well be June, when it's warm, and I'm walking more, and then it will be more like 90%. YEAH!!!
My daughter and her family have a wonderful blog. They write in it much more frequently, and if you go all the way back to June 2007 in their old blog, you can read the story of the miracle babies; twins born at 28 weeks, one with a bowel obstruction, pulmonary problems, not to mention having a stroke at 2 months of age - It is a heart wrenching and heartwarming story. Old blog: http://brandondandkatelyn.blogpot.com and current blog is http://twiceblessedtwice.blogspot.com
It just seemed time to start a family blog, whereas the other one had it's beginnings as a means of communicating with many people in one place about any news of the twins.
I know that I will get better soon. My boys, Tobe and Bo know it too, as they got a long walk yesterday, and are pooped out today. They are so great, and during these times when I'm too exhausted to walk to the bus to go see my family, and Amy is so busy she can't come to me, my boys keep me sane. They always have; well, Tobe for 9and a half years, and Bo for 2 and a half. Bo has turned out to be the sweetest dog. He is just a love, and snuggles; Tobe is a very sweet boy as well, but not big on snuggling. He's always been his own little man.
I had been psyching myself up for getting myself to my Doctor appt. tomorrow, getting my school work done in time that I could help Amy NEXT week when Brent would be gone. I just spoke with her and found out that he left yesterday. I just feel awful. I want so much to help, but for months I've been no good to her. When the boys started Kindergarten, every Wed. I went up to be with them. They read to me, and I to them. Then I got too sick to go every week. At Christmas, Amy and I had talked about going to Breakfast one Sat. a month, just the two of us. Since I'm not out of bed these days before 2pm, that would be quite difficult, thus it hasn't happened. I can't help it, but I feel awful anyway. I was taking care of myself before this started. It was after, when I haven't had the energy, that I haven't done such a bang up job. If anyone out there has Fibro, or any of the Invisible Chronic Illnesses (ICI- yes, it is a terminology used in medicine), you understand. If you don't, you can't. Unless, you have had a bad case of the flu you hurt all over,you feel feverish and you are so tired you just can hardly get out of bed. Women with families have to. I thought going to school would keep me well. It did the opposite. I know the moment when I let myself get over the stress line to illness. It was the week I had to go do a face to face interview with someone working in the field I am going into- executive coaching. I had no professional attire, I was going to have to get rides, there and back, and it was just so humiliating. That was week 7 and that's when I collapsed. I remember because I got sick the day after the interview and couldn't get my work done that week. And I got worse before I got to where I could think again. It's just frustrating. This isn't how it was supposed to be!
I moved here for two reasons: to be with my daughter and grandchildren, and to help her; and to be in a place where it would be easier to keep my faith, and the commandments inherent in being LDS(Mormon). I am doing the latter relatively well - no smoking, drinking alcohol or coffee, paying an honest tithe monthly and going to church and magnifying my calling. The last two are affected by my health, and consequently since October and November, my attendance has dropped dramatically. Foot surgery (twice) botched, leaving me with foot pain, and a back procedure promised to leave me pain free for a year, that did absolutely nothing. If anything, my back is worse. And more recently the fibro flare. With a laptop, I can do school being ill to a certain degree. But going to and sitting through church is more taxing and harder to do. For example, I am typing this post in full recline mode, on the heating pad. If I could go to church online I would have it made!
Ah, the ramblings of an old woman living alone. I go days talking to no one, weeks not seeing anyone sometimes. But I am excited to go to the doctor, and hopefully, get a Rx for the newest Fibromyalgia drug, Savella - very promising. Works like Cymbalta (also approved for the treatment of Fibromyalgia, as is Lyrica), in that it is an SNRI (Seritonin and Norepinepherine reuptake inhibitor), but works on people that cymbalta did not. I have tried Cymbalta, at the highest dosage, and noticed no difference. But..it was winter. All bets off in the winter, even in Utah where it is dry and mostly without wind, so the cold is very tolerable - and mostly pretty - since it is accompanied by snow almost all winter! Loved that! Anyway, Lyrica made me crazy and asleep. So it's time to try the next. I must exercise and eat better as well. I've been in no eat mode. Living alone, with no in home help, it is circular. I feel so bad I don't get out of bed to cook, so I eat junk. Sweets and bad carbs. And cheese. So then because of my diet being poor I become more ill. Then I'm even less inclined to cook. Finally started eating at least one deli chicken and cheese sandwich on good whole wheat bread daily, and drinking at least 8 oz of V8 fruit and vegetable juice (1 serving of each out of each 8 oz glass). Feel a bit better.
I want to start sharing here the books I am reading and excited about. So, here goes. No matter what I am always reading something. I'm in bed a lot these days, and have to take a break from school and sleep occasionally! So here is my current reading pile...I mean list:
1. Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage, published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This book is so wonderful; I feel like I am getting to know my Savior up close and personal. Talmage's treatise was written in an upper room in the Temple in Salt Lake City, UT, published in 1973. This is heavy reading. It took me 10 false starts before I picked it up one day and can't wait to get back to it once I've put it down. I'm only halfway through, and have read many chapters twice, and every footnote as well. I feel closer to Jesus now that ever. When I say he is my savior, I know what that means in a deeper more meaningful way. Don't go through life without reading this. (and the Bible and the Book of Mormon; read it through once just to see what all the hoopla is about!
2. Taming Your Gremlin:A Surprisingly Simple Method of Getting Out of Your Own Way. By Rick Carson. Original book written 20 years ago, this is an updated, revised and value-added version.
3. Outliers; the story of success. By Malcolm Gladwell. Just came out. Gladwell is well known mostly for his book The Tipping Point: How little things can make a big difference, but also for Blink: the power of thinking without thinking. Outliers, what I know so far, is about people who are extraordinary in someway (Benjamin Franklin, for example), and what they have in common. Blink was excellent - read it about 3 years ago. So I am excited to read this one.
4.Coaching for Performance by John Whitmore. Whitmore is the father of coaching in some ways. My PhD that I am working on is in Psychology, specifically in Industrial and Organizational Psychology; known as I/O Psych. My concentration is executive coaching, which means I will go into major corporations and do individual and group coaching with executives, CEO's, etc., to help them when they are having difficulty, say with their team being aligned against him over some incident, and he can't get things shifted back. The investment of up to hundreds of thousands of dollars weekly for a good executive coach is well worth the money in time and productivity that is going down the drain.
And by the way, I have a friend in Kansas, that I have done a horrible job of keeping up with. I miss her calls, and don't listen to my messages. Lori, if you see this, I love you, and miss you, and think of you daily when I hug Bo. Here are some pics of our last night together before I left. I am still your friend; just a lousy one. I will do better! Here we are - the proverbial photo when no one is there to take one for you! And you with our Bo...He misses his Aunt Lori, I think even more than Tobe.
I will stop here. I do want to tell any reader(s) that I found the greatest blogs:
http://www.UrbanMonk.net is one, another is
http://www.illuminatedmind.net/, and the third is http://zenhabits.net/
I know. They don't sound like the blogs I would read. But if you've known me along time, you know that I find the gospel in zen. Don't ask.
Good afternoon, and I will see you here next month! Or who knows; maybe sooner!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Look what I found at Capella - Time Management Calculator
This is so cool. It is one of [many] tools and useful information made available on the Capella site for students. It is pretty much self explanatory, but I thought I would share it. For those of you who are anything like me - have trouble organizing time, jump from task to task, finishing nothing some days - then this is for you too!
Enjoy!
Kathie
Time Management Calculator
Enjoy!
Kathie
Time Management Calculator
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Yes, I am a LDS Woman & a Grandmother & a Doctoral Student!
I love my Heavenly Father so much. Since I moved to Utah in June 2008, I have quit smoking, I am a full tithe payer, I do not break the Word of Wisdom in any way. And I have received blessings upon blessings because of this. I want to be the kind of woman that when people talk to me, they see the light of Christ in my eyes, as I have in other people through the 14 years since my daughter led "our" family (her and I, and her family)into the Church. I will get there, I know, for the Lord has made that promise..."...line upon line, precept upon precept..". My health is better than it has been in over 12 years. I am back in school, getting a PhD- a doctorate, in an online format, since I do still have those times that I can't get out for awhile. I've had obstacles since I moved here, and I am sad about that, but that is not my focus.
Today, after weeks of prayer, my Heavenly Father helped me to get to church; and to stay at church through all meetings. I felt so good begin there. When I walked in the door, everyone was already in the Chapel, but I still felt the spirit so strong. I am grateful that when I was confirmed, I was given the gift of the Holy Ghost. This third member of the Godhead guides me. I now hear his still, small voice whisper to me how to choose the right.
I read Amy's friend Audrey's family blog some this evening. It is: hollandrocks.blogspot.com . Then I read the short story about going to Holland, an analogy for having a handicapped child. (Italy is an analogy for having a child that is not handicapped in any way) Her daughter , Saylor has Spina Bifada. Her and Amy have become close, after meeting at Blake and Derek's school. Her daughter, Saylor, is in Derek's class. I think it has been wonderful for Amy to have a "peer" - another Mother of a handicapped child. My youngest grandson, Brandon, and his sister were born at 28 weeks. Because they couldn't get a line in the usual way, they had to use a different way. (I clearly didn't learn all the terminology they did. Refer to their blog, twiceblessedtwice.blogspot.com for more information about Brandon's history).
So, as I was saying; Brandon's line - through which he got medication, etc, had a clot at the end of it. They gave him medication to break it up and dissolve it, and hoped for the best. As time went by, it was clear that he had a stroke at about 3 months old (adjusted age would be newborn). It effected his left side Through 7 different physical therapy or other therapy appointments a week, he has improved dramatically.
Brandon is considered handicapped. The first time this was said to me out loud, I had a visceral reaction. I wanted to cry. But I knew that Amy didn't cry - possibly ever, I'm not sure - about Brandon. He is the cutest and sweetest boy. I love him and his sister and their big brothers, also twins, so very much. Please- go the the blog, . On the right it says "Holland", and under that is a link that says something like "enter here". There are other poems also, but this one truly captures what it is like for a mother when she finds out her child is not going to be like all the other children. At least, not for a while.
At that blog, after reading "Holland", there is a link to other poems, and I saw one about being a mother, or something like that. It described a daughter's view of her Mother as a sanctuary; someone she could talk to, etc. You get the idea. I started to cry. I want so badly to be this kind of Mother; but I have been ill since 1996, her second year in college. I have no "home" for her to come to. Having been on disability for 12 years, I'm lucky to have my own apartment only because I am on Section 8, HUD Housing Assistance Program. I had to be on it in Utah, or get it transferred to Utah so I could have an apartment when I got off the plane with my two Lhasa Apsos. Amy did all the work last Spring, or I couldn't be here. I am so blessed to have her as a daughter. I want to be better. I want to be well, and work, and be a "normal" mother again, like I was before she left for college. But that is not the way it is. I wanted to stay in California and I ended up in Kansas! (sort of like thinking you're going to Italy, but you are going to Holland instead) Only this was for real. After my Mother died in February, almost 2 years ago, I started planning on moving. I always said I would stay until she passed. She had not been the Mother I knew for some time. But I went to see her when I could, which was never enough in my estimation. I miss her terribly, but am glad to be here with Amy, Brent, Blake, Derek, Katelyn and Brandon - six Foxes (see their blog).
Enough said for one evening, huh?
Back to reading, researching for the final paper, and the one due in two weeks, and reading some more! I so love school! (no sarcasm. just fact)
Today, after weeks of prayer, my Heavenly Father helped me to get to church; and to stay at church through all meetings. I felt so good begin there. When I walked in the door, everyone was already in the Chapel, but I still felt the spirit so strong. I am grateful that when I was confirmed, I was given the gift of the Holy Ghost. This third member of the Godhead guides me. I now hear his still, small voice whisper to me how to choose the right.
I read Amy's friend Audrey's family blog some this evening. It is: hollandrocks.blogspot.com . Then I read the short story about going to Holland, an analogy for having a handicapped child. (Italy is an analogy for having a child that is not handicapped in any way) Her daughter , Saylor has Spina Bifada. Her and Amy have become close, after meeting at Blake and Derek's school. Her daughter, Saylor, is in Derek's class. I think it has been wonderful for Amy to have a "peer" - another Mother of a handicapped child. My youngest grandson, Brandon, and his sister were born at 28 weeks. Because they couldn't get a line in the usual way, they had to use a different way. (I clearly didn't learn all the terminology they did. Refer to their blog, twiceblessedtwice.blogspot.com for more information about Brandon's history).
So, as I was saying; Brandon's line - through which he got medication, etc, had a clot at the end of it. They gave him medication to break it up and dissolve it, and hoped for the best. As time went by, it was clear that he had a stroke at about 3 months old (adjusted age would be newborn). It effected his left side Through 7 different physical therapy or other therapy appointments a week, he has improved dramatically.
Brandon is considered handicapped. The first time this was said to me out loud, I had a visceral reaction. I wanted to cry. But I knew that Amy didn't cry - possibly ever, I'm not sure - about Brandon. He is the cutest and sweetest boy. I love him and his sister and their big brothers, also twins, so very much. Please- go the the blog, . On the right it says "Holland", and under that is a link that says something like "enter here". There are other poems also, but this one truly captures what it is like for a mother when she finds out her child is not going to be like all the other children. At least, not for a while.
At that blog, after reading "Holland", there is a link to other poems, and I saw one about being a mother, or something like that. It described a daughter's view of her Mother as a sanctuary; someone she could talk to, etc. You get the idea. I started to cry. I want so badly to be this kind of Mother; but I have been ill since 1996, her second year in college. I have no "home" for her to come to. Having been on disability for 12 years, I'm lucky to have my own apartment only because I am on Section 8, HUD Housing Assistance Program. I had to be on it in Utah, or get it transferred to Utah so I could have an apartment when I got off the plane with my two Lhasa Apsos. Amy did all the work last Spring, or I couldn't be here. I am so blessed to have her as a daughter. I want to be better. I want to be well, and work, and be a "normal" mother again, like I was before she left for college. But that is not the way it is. I wanted to stay in California and I ended up in Kansas! (sort of like thinking you're going to Italy, but you are going to Holland instead) Only this was for real. After my Mother died in February, almost 2 years ago, I started planning on moving. I always said I would stay until she passed. She had not been the Mother I knew for some time. But I went to see her when I could, which was never enough in my estimation. I miss her terribly, but am glad to be here with Amy, Brent, Blake, Derek, Katelyn and Brandon - six Foxes (see their blog).
Enough said for one evening, huh?
Back to reading, researching for the final paper, and the one due in two weeks, and reading some more! I so love school! (no sarcasm. just fact)
Friday, February 6, 2009
Read Read Write Write Study Study
Hello, all-
Graduate school has been very good for me so far. I am getting such positive feedback from my professor that my self-esteem has risen several notches in just 5 weeks. I have a major paper I need to get started, and a smaller one to get done as well. So I'm a bit nervous about not having started them yet! But I do well under last minute pressure. I just didn't want to fall back into that bad habit.
My back procedure that was supposed to fix my back made it worse. So I am in so much pain. I went to Wal-Mart day before yesterday and am still paying for it from walking for way too long.
Overall, the only thing I really want to be different is to get to church every Sunday (if I can get to Wal-Mart by 10, then I can get to church by 10). And I want to get better so I can get up to Amy's and spend time with my grandchildren, help her out, etc. The boys and I had a good relationship going for awhile and then I started school. Plus my foot pain and back have both gotten progressively worse since October. But this, too shall pass.
New blog of my grandchildren - actually for the whole family - twiceblessedtwice.blogspot.com
I hadn't heard it before, but Amy says that having twins is often calling being "twice blessed". Since they have two sets of twins, they are twice blessed twice. Once you get to their blog, it is called "A Tail of Six Foxes". It sounds like a Fairy Tale, but with a play on the word Tail. And their last name is Fox, hence the name. Also, my SoninLaw, Brent, who I love very much, is very talented and her drew the silhouette on the title. It's beautiful! He makes a living doing it, so I guess he gets a lot of practice. And he's always sketching little things.
Now I must go to bed and read, then sleep. Goodnite.
Graduate school has been very good for me so far. I am getting such positive feedback from my professor that my self-esteem has risen several notches in just 5 weeks. I have a major paper I need to get started, and a smaller one to get done as well. So I'm a bit nervous about not having started them yet! But I do well under last minute pressure. I just didn't want to fall back into that bad habit.
My back procedure that was supposed to fix my back made it worse. So I am in so much pain. I went to Wal-Mart day before yesterday and am still paying for it from walking for way too long.
Overall, the only thing I really want to be different is to get to church every Sunday (if I can get to Wal-Mart by 10, then I can get to church by 10). And I want to get better so I can get up to Amy's and spend time with my grandchildren, help her out, etc. The boys and I had a good relationship going for awhile and then I started school. Plus my foot pain and back have both gotten progressively worse since October. But this, too shall pass.
New blog of my grandchildren - actually for the whole family - twiceblessedtwice.blogspot.com
I hadn't heard it before, but Amy says that having twins is often calling being "twice blessed". Since they have two sets of twins, they are twice blessed twice. Once you get to their blog, it is called "A Tail of Six Foxes". It sounds like a Fairy Tale, but with a play on the word Tail. And their last name is Fox, hence the name. Also, my SoninLaw, Brent, who I love very much, is very talented and her drew the silhouette on the title. It's beautiful! He makes a living doing it, so I guess he gets a lot of practice. And he's always sketching little things.
Now I must go to bed and read, then sleep. Goodnite.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Mammaw is getting a PhD
Well, I finally decided something had to change. My days have been pretty much the same for a year; before that, I spent more time in bed than I do now (and for the past year). It occured to me that the addage, "If you keep doing what you'v always done you will get what you've always gotten". In other words, my life will not change until I change something about it. So I have gone back to school...online. It is a school with a great reputation - Capella University - and I've decided to get a PhD n Organizational Psychology, specializing in executive coaching and consultation psychology. The great thing about this degree is that it does not requre an internship. It does require attendance in an annual Colloquia which is 5 days, 4 nights; student loans have to cover the cost of the Colloquia itself (a several day intensive course),hotel and food. But it will be very exciting. I'm acing my first course (so far) but turned in my first paper that had to be strict APA format. I hope I did well on it.
I hope to keep track of my academic journey here. I need to link Facebook to my blog, if I'm writing in it, that is. If Amy and Brent can do it, so can I!
I hope to keep track of my academic journey here. I need to link Facebook to my blog, if I'm writing in it, that is. If Amy and Brent can do it, so can I!
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