My class is coming to the end of week 2 in a 10 week course. They are just so intense because it's a 5 credit hour course, doctoral level,in 10 weeks. And I am so slow. It takes me forever to get something written that I can feel good about. And school online is ALL R & R: Reading and ...riting? Okay, R & W, but it sounded like more of a joke the other way.
I know I am stressed and pushing myself to my limit. The good news is that in the next few weeks I will have some kind of transportation; either a moped or a real cheap car - and they are out there. It's just getting to it and then getting it to Amy's mechanic. We looked at one this week, and then went to the thrift store to find jeans to fit me. I've gone from a size 6 in September to a size 14. It is very, very sad. I am a house again. A short house. NO photos of me, please.
On the up side; I was able to purchase my first month supply of medication from the new Endocrinologist who can get me well. I started today, actually - on progesterone, testosterone and human growth hormone (biomedical - actual human growth hormone). It is kind of exciting, but I know that I'll be putting out several months worth of funds before I will feel significantly better. But when I saw the Doctor last week he said he thought he could get me well enough to work in 6 months. We'll have to roll me to work, but I'll get there. Ha!
Be sure to stop by the Fox Family Blog to see photos of my wonderful grandchildren. I love them so much. And what is really great is that they like me. All four of them. It warms my heart that we are carrying on the "mammaw" tradition. That is what OUR kids called MY Mother. She has been gone now 3 years this past February...I think, it can't be just two. Hmmm. But the point is - It's hard to believe that last summer Derek wouldn't call me mammaw and Blake said "grandma, I mean mammaw" half the time. Katelyn looked right at me the other day and said, in her loud voice, "MAAAA!!". I say to Amy, "She's trying to say Mammaw", because I had just said to her, "Mammaw loves you very much, Katelyn Marie" and then she said "MAAAA!!". Amy said she says that all the time, and that's what she calls her. Oh well. I like my interpretation. Sometimes the boys slip and look right at me and say, "Mom.." and I just answer. I don't want the job: don't get me wrong. I do not know how she does it day after day every week. It is constant, non-stop from the time she gets up until she falls into bed at night. Even if I go stay with the babies for her, it just enables her to run errands easier, and to be with the boys more. And Katelyn, Brandon and I have a blast. The sweetest time is when I feed them lunch, they are half asleep, and I carry them up the stairs for their naps. I can't believe they are almost 2 years old! Look at her blog, and keep in mind that Blake comes about to my chest, and Derek about 3" shorter, and then realize how tiny they are. They start their growth hormone this weekend, I think. Today I think they went to learn how, and I forgot to call. I'm terrible about calling people. I have needed to call Barbara for days and I keep remembering too late. And I owe Lori a call. I wanted to call Amy tonite but didn't want to call late, and of course it was late when I finally got the phone to call.
Do go to A Tail of Six Foxes, and just look at the newest pictures. And yeah, one day this week, I look outside, and after being almost 60 one day,(I know it was that warm on Easter) it snowed 4" or more the next. And stayed all day. But it is so beautiful here when it snows, and Brent or Amy got some good photos of it off their deck. And it was AFTER the photos on the blog Easter Sunday! I took some photos but haven't even uploaded them yet. I don't think I've gotten a good shot since summer. Last year.
Well - I'm signing off. Here's to me getting WELL - well enough to WORK!!! I know of at least two places I want to apply. One is an alternative school, day program for "last chance" kids; teenagers in trouble with the law. The other is LDS Social Services. I can go ahead and get my license in Utah, but it will take me a long time. I won't actually get licensed with my PhD from Capella. I will be a "Doctor", but will hopefully teach - I hope at BYU. I would love to teach Psychology there, and have a practice on the side, helping chronic illness patients. Dr. Purser laughed when I told him, and I said,"what?" and he said, "You are getting ready to have a total paradigm shift where that is concerned!" - -because he can get people like me WELL!! Once I'm working, I'll bring Mary Beth out here and pay to get her well too!! Dr. Purser actually helped me realize I can go back to being a therapist when I go to work. I was prepared to take minimum wage job, because I didn't know how long I would last. But if the new medication (and supplements) do what they are supposed to, I'll be well. I don't know who is reading this, but if you scroll down on the right it shows how many visitors. So someone is!
AND, one more thing - I have zero self-esteem, or sense of self. I do not like myself, except as I see myself through the eyes of my grandchildren. Through everyone else's eyes, I see an old, fat lady who looks haggard, talks way too much, is self-centered and...through my own, I just see loneliness. The GOOD NEWS (besides the fact that no matter what, Heavenly Father loves me, and Jesus loves me - enough to die for me) is that I start "cognitive-behavioral" therapy this week. I'm excited. This person is supposed to be great, and works with ADHD - which is what makes me so discombobulated and makes me talk incessantly. And I can't get anything organized. Without the structure of work, and being so tired and ill, nothing is organized. But I just have to do school, or I will lose my mind. It's like a pinhole of light at the end of a very long tunnel. I better get to bed before I really start to cry.
Farewell, followers; until next time-
Kathie
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
New School Term
I start today, hopefully in my new course at Capella University. Speaking with my Academic Advisor, we discussed changing my specialization from Organizational Psychology to Health Psychology, which looks really interesting. I'm taking a class that could go for either specialization, but am relatively confident I will be changing. I can pull in a course on coaching, the reason I went into I/O Psychology in the first place.
I ordered my first batch of expensive new medication - getting the growth hormone shots and the testosterone. $333.00! I couldn't afford to get the progesterone, which is $69.00. The progesterone and testosterone will last a little over a month (possibly longer), but at the initial dose (0.2) the growth hormone- $270.00; and at that dose it will last 25 days. But he is planning to increase gradually, I just don't know how high. It's still cheaper than the babies are going to have to do, but they, and I are going to apply to get it through the pharmaceutical company for free.
Enough about that, although it is a good subject, because it has to do with me getting well. As of right now, my grade has been submitted for my first class, but since I misunderstood what my instructor said about some of my assignments, I took a B by choice. I just could not stress over getting three difficult and involved assignments done over a day and a half. As it is, I still can't get enrolled until I call. Which is where I am heading now.
I will get new batteries for my camera when I get my student loan refund. Then I can post some photos of the scenery around where I live (the snow covered mountains), the boys - Tobe and Bo - and I guess I should have someone take a photo of the boys and I together. After I get them bathed, that is!
Until then - pray for me, that the new medication may make me well -- that I might remain well enough to complete my second course in Life Span Development, which I am looking forward to, since so much has changed since I took it.
For those who didn't see Conference this weekend, and who can watch it on "On Demand", I highly recommend it, either that or buy the Ensign when it comes out next month. Amazing Conference talks. Until next time.
I ordered my first batch of expensive new medication - getting the growth hormone shots and the testosterone. $333.00! I couldn't afford to get the progesterone, which is $69.00. The progesterone and testosterone will last a little over a month (possibly longer), but at the initial dose (0.2) the growth hormone- $270.00; and at that dose it will last 25 days. But he is planning to increase gradually, I just don't know how high. It's still cheaper than the babies are going to have to do, but they, and I are going to apply to get it through the pharmaceutical company for free.
Enough about that, although it is a good subject, because it has to do with me getting well. As of right now, my grade has been submitted for my first class, but since I misunderstood what my instructor said about some of my assignments, I took a B by choice. I just could not stress over getting three difficult and involved assignments done over a day and a half. As it is, I still can't get enrolled until I call. Which is where I am heading now.
I will get new batteries for my camera when I get my student loan refund. Then I can post some photos of the scenery around where I live (the snow covered mountains), the boys - Tobe and Bo - and I guess I should have someone take a photo of the boys and I together. After I get them bathed, that is!
Until then - pray for me, that the new medication may make me well -- that I might remain well enough to complete my second course in Life Span Development, which I am looking forward to, since so much has changed since I took it.
For those who didn't see Conference this weekend, and who can watch it on "On Demand", I highly recommend it, either that or buy the Ensign when it comes out next month. Amazing Conference talks. Until next time.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Course complete and I have an "A"
I finally completed my first online graduate class. And let me tell ya, this PhD work is tough. People think, oh, you're getting your degree online - they probably just let you put in your time and get your degree. Nah-uh. Not the case. And I, for one, am very glad to make this discovery, because with tuition, I want my money's worth. I want to have to work for that "A". And I did.
My final project was a 12 page research paper, complete with cover, table of contents, abstract and reference page. My reference page went two pages! I couldn't believe it. We only had to have 6 sources, but no way I could have made my points with only 6 sources. And when writing at the doctoral level, you have to back up everything you say with an article from a professional journal, at least in psychology.
As soon as my professor reads my email, and gives me a grade, I can get the hold lifted, and start class Monday, right on time for Spring Quarter, which runs from April 6- June..2nd Friday, around the 15th. I will have my financial aid around the end of this month, and I am going to have to use the majority of it for medication that I have to have to get well. I am excited because once I start the medications I should start to notice a difference in energy levels within the first month. He did say I was "very ill" and it could take up to 18 months to be completely well, and even then, I will always have to replace these hormones that my body does not make. The good new? After awhile I should be able to get off prednisone. He felt quite sure I did not have Addisons, but rather my Adrenal gland wasn't working properly because my thyroid and pituitary are not.
I spent all day yesterday going to doctors; two pain clinics. One, for my back, the other because I am on contract to only get my medication through them. I still don't have my Suboxone back yet, but I will. At least, I will be very surprised if I don't get it back. I had no idea how much it was controlling my fibromyalgia, arthritis (Lupus?) pain, but every muscle and joint in my body was screaming, and I hurt worse than I had in years. And what they gave me for it only worked once - the first pill helped, and after that, nada. But now I can take it 3 times a day for 60mg total, as opposed to 20mg at bedtime, which is how it was Rx previously.
And that is the news from here. I hope all my many readers are doing well. Next on the list? Get a moped out of this check; and that's it. A moped and my medication. That is it! I can't believe that once again a car is pushed farther into the future. As long as I am getting well, it's worth it. Next on the list after that? Get a social life. But that is a whole other post entirely.
My final project was a 12 page research paper, complete with cover, table of contents, abstract and reference page. My reference page went two pages! I couldn't believe it. We only had to have 6 sources, but no way I could have made my points with only 6 sources. And when writing at the doctoral level, you have to back up everything you say with an article from a professional journal, at least in psychology.
As soon as my professor reads my email, and gives me a grade, I can get the hold lifted, and start class Monday, right on time for Spring Quarter, which runs from April 6- June..2nd Friday, around the 15th. I will have my financial aid around the end of this month, and I am going to have to use the majority of it for medication that I have to have to get well. I am excited because once I start the medications I should start to notice a difference in energy levels within the first month. He did say I was "very ill" and it could take up to 18 months to be completely well, and even then, I will always have to replace these hormones that my body does not make. The good new? After awhile I should be able to get off prednisone. He felt quite sure I did not have Addisons, but rather my Adrenal gland wasn't working properly because my thyroid and pituitary are not.
I spent all day yesterday going to doctors; two pain clinics. One, for my back, the other because I am on contract to only get my medication through them. I still don't have my Suboxone back yet, but I will. At least, I will be very surprised if I don't get it back. I had no idea how much it was controlling my fibromyalgia, arthritis (Lupus?) pain, but every muscle and joint in my body was screaming, and I hurt worse than I had in years. And what they gave me for it only worked once - the first pill helped, and after that, nada. But now I can take it 3 times a day for 60mg total, as opposed to 20mg at bedtime, which is how it was Rx previously.
And that is the news from here. I hope all my many readers are doing well. Next on the list? Get a moped out of this check; and that's it. A moped and my medication. That is it! I can't believe that once again a car is pushed farther into the future. As long as I am getting well, it's worth it. Next on the list after that? Get a social life. But that is a whole other post entirely.
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