Self Examination

An old friend called this week. She was in town helping her daughter move. She was the first person who had contacted me in years that knew me before I was ill. At the present time I am down very low; both physically and (consequently) emotionally. I feel very alone. I feel I am a shell of what I was when this woman and I were in contact.

I could not call her back.

I've been very sad over this. It drives home something I've known, and that is that I am very depressed and very empty. I love the Lord and my Heavenly Father; I know they love me. That I have. Should that be enough? A big part of me thinks, "yes"; so then I feel something is wrong with me spiritually.

I must get better. My primary goal in my life right now is to be a good Mother and Grandmother. I can be neither right now.

I'm glad that my friend called. I have been so ill for the last 3 months that I'm mostly bed-bound, and certainly homebound. BUT, I move on Sunday/Monday to a new apartment. It is twice the size of this depressing box. There is a fenced yard for my two Lhasa Apsos that I love so much. Two bedrooms; just a nice place. Things should improve. I have been getting home health services for 2-3 weeks now, and that will continue when I move until I am "too well" to continue to be eligible. I will miss my Aide, Nurse and Physical Therapist. My total of 5 hours a week of services. Before I moved, I had 27 hours of service available to me in Kansas.

I had to withdraw from my course online. It has been a particularly difficult time, but then the last 13 years has been a particularly difficult time. I think I'm realizing something has just got to change.

I will continue to pray, read my scriptures and do all that I can to keep as close to my Heavenly Father and my Savior as I possibly can. I always get "better", but never well. I have to keep hoping.