Yes, I am a LDS Woman & a Grandmother & a Doctoral Student!

I love my Heavenly Father so much. Since I moved to Utah in June 2008, I have quit smoking, I am a full tithe payer, I do not break the Word of Wisdom in any way. And I have received blessings upon blessings because of this. I want to be the kind of woman that when people talk to me, they see the light of Christ in my eyes, as I have in other people through the 14 years since my daughter led "our" family (her and I, and her family)into the Church. I will get there, I know, for the Lord has made that promise..."...line upon line, precept upon precept..". My health is better than it has been in over 12 years. I am back in school, getting a PhD- a doctorate, in an online format, since I do still have those times that I can't get out for awhile. I've had obstacles since I moved here, and I am sad about that, but that is not my focus.

Today, after weeks of prayer, my Heavenly Father helped me to get to church; and to stay at church through all meetings. I felt so good begin there. When I walked in the door, everyone was already in the Chapel, but I still felt the spirit so strong. I am grateful that when I was confirmed, I was given the gift of the Holy Ghost. This third member of the Godhead guides me. I now hear his still, small voice whisper to me how to choose the right.

I read Amy's friend Audrey's family blog some this evening. It is: hollandrocks.blogspot.com . Then I read the short story about going to Holland, an analogy for having a handicapped child. (Italy is an analogy for having a child that is not handicapped in any way) Her daughter , Saylor has Spina Bifada. Her and Amy have become close, after meeting at Blake and Derek's school. Her daughter, Saylor, is in Derek's class. I think it has been wonderful for Amy to have a "peer" - another Mother of a handicapped child. My youngest grandson, Brandon, and his sister were born at 28 weeks. Because they couldn't get a line in the usual way, they had to use a different way. (I clearly didn't learn all the terminology they did. Refer to their blog, twiceblessedtwice.blogspot.com for more information about Brandon's history).

So, as I was saying; Brandon's line - through which he got medication, etc, had a clot at the end of it. They gave him medication to break it up and dissolve it, and hoped for the best. As time went by, it was clear that he had a stroke at about 3 months old (adjusted age would be newborn). It effected his left side Through 7 different physical therapy or other therapy appointments a week, he has improved dramatically.

Brandon is considered handicapped. The first time this was said to me out loud, I had a visceral reaction. I wanted to cry. But I knew that Amy didn't cry - possibly ever, I'm not sure - about Brandon. He is the cutest and sweetest boy. I love him and his sister and their big brothers, also twins, so very much. Please- go the the blog, . On the right it says "Holland", and under that is a link that says something like "enter here". There are other poems also, but this one truly captures what it is like for a mother when she finds out her child is not going to be like all the other children. At least, not for a while.

At that blog, after reading "Holland", there is a link to other poems, and I saw one about being a mother, or something like that. It described a daughter's view of her Mother as a sanctuary; someone she could talk to, etc. You get the idea. I started to cry. I want so badly to be this kind of Mother; but I have been ill since 1996, her second year in college. I have no "home" for her to come to. Having been on disability for 12 years, I'm lucky to have my own apartment only because I am on Section 8, HUD Housing Assistance Program. I had to be on it in Utah, or get it transferred to Utah so I could have an apartment when I got off the plane with my two Lhasa Apsos. Amy did all the work last Spring, or I couldn't be here. I am so blessed to have her as a daughter. I want to be better. I want to be well, and work, and be a "normal" mother again, like I was before she left for college. But that is not the way it is. I wanted to stay in California and I ended up in Kansas! (sort of like thinking you're going to Italy, but you are going to Holland instead) Only this was for real. After my Mother died in February, almost 2 years ago, I started planning on moving. I always said I would stay until she passed. She had not been the Mother I knew for some time. But I went to see her when I could, which was never enough in my estimation. I miss her terribly, but am glad to be here with Amy, Brent, Blake, Derek, Katelyn and Brandon - six Foxes (see their blog).

Enough said for one evening, huh?

Back to reading, researching for the final paper, and the one due in two weeks, and reading some more! I so love school! (no sarcasm. just fact)