An old friend called this week. She was in town helping her daughter move. She was the first person who had contacted me in years that knew me before I was ill. At the present time I am down very low; both physically and (consequently) emotionally. I feel very alone. I feel I am a shell of what I was when this woman and I were in contact.
I could not call her back.
I've been very sad over this. It drives home something I've known, and that is that I am very depressed and very empty. I love the Lord and my Heavenly Father; I know they love me. That I have. Should that be enough? A big part of me thinks, "yes"; so then I feel something is wrong with me spiritually.
I must get better. My primary goal in my life right now is to be a good Mother and Grandmother. I can be neither right now.
I'm glad that my friend called. I have been so ill for the last 3 months that I'm mostly bed-bound, and certainly homebound. BUT, I move on Sunday/Monday to a new apartment. It is twice the size of this depressing box. There is a fenced yard for my two Lhasa Apsos that I love so much. Two bedrooms; just a nice place. Things should improve. I have been getting home health services for 2-3 weeks now, and that will continue when I move until I am "too well" to continue to be eligible. I will miss my Aide, Nurse and Physical Therapist. My total of 5 hours a week of services. Before I moved, I had 27 hours of service available to me in Kansas.
I had to withdraw from my course online. It has been a particularly difficult time, but then the last 13 years has been a particularly difficult time. I think I'm realizing something has just got to change.
I will continue to pray, read my scriptures and do all that I can to keep as close to my Heavenly Father and my Savior as I possibly can. I always get "better", but never well. I have to keep hoping.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Water Purifiers / Filters
Water Purifiers / Filters
This (the text above is a link...mouse over it and you'll see) looks like a great water filtration system at a reasonable price. I was just reading the Oprah site, and in the health section, it was talking about if your water was healthy. The answer was that, in the US, yes, you can drink your tap water. IF you are young, healthy...NOT if you are chronically ill or older. I fall in the later category. A recommendation for a certain water filtration system was recommended, so I googled it and looked at several. They all look like this one, but this one is way cheaper. They are currently sold out.
I was actually was reading about MRSA...then about a woman who cut herself while preparing food, and got "flesh eating bacteria" that made her lose her arm! (Maybe that WAS MRSA!! I don't know for sure...) So I was getting a little freaked anyway, and then read this about the water NOT being safe for ME.
It's always something. As Rosann Rosannadana used to say, "it's always something; either there are little bugs in the water, or no one will rent you an apartment, and then there's this 12 years of being sick - that's no fun, let me tell ya!" and I can hear those words in her voice even now. What a loss, her death! She was so talented and funny.
feeling a bit overwhelmed in Utah...
This (the text above is a link...mouse over it and you'll see) looks like a great water filtration system at a reasonable price. I was just reading the Oprah site, and in the health section, it was talking about if your water was healthy. The answer was that, in the US, yes, you can drink your tap water. IF you are young, healthy...NOT if you are chronically ill or older. I fall in the later category. A recommendation for a certain water filtration system was recommended, so I googled it and looked at several. They all look like this one, but this one is way cheaper. They are currently sold out.
I was actually was reading about MRSA...then about a woman who cut herself while preparing food, and got "flesh eating bacteria" that made her lose her arm! (Maybe that WAS MRSA!! I don't know for sure...) So I was getting a little freaked anyway, and then read this about the water NOT being safe for ME.
It's always something. As Rosann Rosannadana used to say, "it's always something; either there are little bugs in the water, or no one will rent you an apartment, and then there's this 12 years of being sick - that's no fun, let me tell ya!" and I can hear those words in her voice even now. What a loss, her death! She was so talented and funny.
feeling a bit overwhelmed in Utah...
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Life, grandchildren, getting A life...back!
My class is coming to the end of week 2 in a 10 week course. They are just so intense because it's a 5 credit hour course, doctoral level,in 10 weeks. And I am so slow. It takes me forever to get something written that I can feel good about. And school online is ALL R & R: Reading and ...riting? Okay, R & W, but it sounded like more of a joke the other way.
I know I am stressed and pushing myself to my limit. The good news is that in the next few weeks I will have some kind of transportation; either a moped or a real cheap car - and they are out there. It's just getting to it and then getting it to Amy's mechanic. We looked at one this week, and then went to the thrift store to find jeans to fit me. I've gone from a size 6 in September to a size 14. It is very, very sad. I am a house again. A short house. NO photos of me, please.
On the up side; I was able to purchase my first month supply of medication from the new Endocrinologist who can get me well. I started today, actually - on progesterone, testosterone and human growth hormone (biomedical - actual human growth hormone). It is kind of exciting, but I know that I'll be putting out several months worth of funds before I will feel significantly better. But when I saw the Doctor last week he said he thought he could get me well enough to work in 6 months. We'll have to roll me to work, but I'll get there. Ha!
Be sure to stop by the Fox Family Blog to see photos of my wonderful grandchildren. I love them so much. And what is really great is that they like me. All four of them. It warms my heart that we are carrying on the "mammaw" tradition. That is what OUR kids called MY Mother. She has been gone now 3 years this past February...I think, it can't be just two. Hmmm. But the point is - It's hard to believe that last summer Derek wouldn't call me mammaw and Blake said "grandma, I mean mammaw" half the time. Katelyn looked right at me the other day and said, in her loud voice, "MAAAA!!". I say to Amy, "She's trying to say Mammaw", because I had just said to her, "Mammaw loves you very much, Katelyn Marie" and then she said "MAAAA!!". Amy said she says that all the time, and that's what she calls her. Oh well. I like my interpretation. Sometimes the boys slip and look right at me and say, "Mom.." and I just answer. I don't want the job: don't get me wrong. I do not know how she does it day after day every week. It is constant, non-stop from the time she gets up until she falls into bed at night. Even if I go stay with the babies for her, it just enables her to run errands easier, and to be with the boys more. And Katelyn, Brandon and I have a blast. The sweetest time is when I feed them lunch, they are half asleep, and I carry them up the stairs for their naps. I can't believe they are almost 2 years old! Look at her blog, and keep in mind that Blake comes about to my chest, and Derek about 3" shorter, and then realize how tiny they are. They start their growth hormone this weekend, I think. Today I think they went to learn how, and I forgot to call. I'm terrible about calling people. I have needed to call Barbara for days and I keep remembering too late. And I owe Lori a call. I wanted to call Amy tonite but didn't want to call late, and of course it was late when I finally got the phone to call.
Do go to A Tail of Six Foxes, and just look at the newest pictures. And yeah, one day this week, I look outside, and after being almost 60 one day,(I know it was that warm on Easter) it snowed 4" or more the next. And stayed all day. But it is so beautiful here when it snows, and Brent or Amy got some good photos of it off their deck. And it was AFTER the photos on the blog Easter Sunday! I took some photos but haven't even uploaded them yet. I don't think I've gotten a good shot since summer. Last year.
Well - I'm signing off. Here's to me getting WELL - well enough to WORK!!! I know of at least two places I want to apply. One is an alternative school, day program for "last chance" kids; teenagers in trouble with the law. The other is LDS Social Services. I can go ahead and get my license in Utah, but it will take me a long time. I won't actually get licensed with my PhD from Capella. I will be a "Doctor", but will hopefully teach - I hope at BYU. I would love to teach Psychology there, and have a practice on the side, helping chronic illness patients. Dr. Purser laughed when I told him, and I said,"what?" and he said, "You are getting ready to have a total paradigm shift where that is concerned!" - -because he can get people like me WELL!! Once I'm working, I'll bring Mary Beth out here and pay to get her well too!! Dr. Purser actually helped me realize I can go back to being a therapist when I go to work. I was prepared to take minimum wage job, because I didn't know how long I would last. But if the new medication (and supplements) do what they are supposed to, I'll be well. I don't know who is reading this, but if you scroll down on the right it shows how many visitors. So someone is!
AND, one more thing - I have zero self-esteem, or sense of self. I do not like myself, except as I see myself through the eyes of my grandchildren. Through everyone else's eyes, I see an old, fat lady who looks haggard, talks way too much, is self-centered and...through my own, I just see loneliness. The GOOD NEWS (besides the fact that no matter what, Heavenly Father loves me, and Jesus loves me - enough to die for me) is that I start "cognitive-behavioral" therapy this week. I'm excited. This person is supposed to be great, and works with ADHD - which is what makes me so discombobulated and makes me talk incessantly. And I can't get anything organized. Without the structure of work, and being so tired and ill, nothing is organized. But I just have to do school, or I will lose my mind. It's like a pinhole of light at the end of a very long tunnel. I better get to bed before I really start to cry.
Farewell, followers; until next time-
Kathie
I know I am stressed and pushing myself to my limit. The good news is that in the next few weeks I will have some kind of transportation; either a moped or a real cheap car - and they are out there. It's just getting to it and then getting it to Amy's mechanic. We looked at one this week, and then went to the thrift store to find jeans to fit me. I've gone from a size 6 in September to a size 14. It is very, very sad. I am a house again. A short house. NO photos of me, please.
On the up side; I was able to purchase my first month supply of medication from the new Endocrinologist who can get me well. I started today, actually - on progesterone, testosterone and human growth hormone (biomedical - actual human growth hormone). It is kind of exciting, but I know that I'll be putting out several months worth of funds before I will feel significantly better. But when I saw the Doctor last week he said he thought he could get me well enough to work in 6 months. We'll have to roll me to work, but I'll get there. Ha!
Be sure to stop by the Fox Family Blog to see photos of my wonderful grandchildren. I love them so much. And what is really great is that they like me. All four of them. It warms my heart that we are carrying on the "mammaw" tradition. That is what OUR kids called MY Mother. She has been gone now 3 years this past February...I think, it can't be just two. Hmmm. But the point is - It's hard to believe that last summer Derek wouldn't call me mammaw and Blake said "grandma, I mean mammaw" half the time. Katelyn looked right at me the other day and said, in her loud voice, "MAAAA!!". I say to Amy, "She's trying to say Mammaw", because I had just said to her, "Mammaw loves you very much, Katelyn Marie" and then she said "MAAAA!!". Amy said she says that all the time, and that's what she calls her. Oh well. I like my interpretation. Sometimes the boys slip and look right at me and say, "Mom.." and I just answer. I don't want the job: don't get me wrong. I do not know how she does it day after day every week. It is constant, non-stop from the time she gets up until she falls into bed at night. Even if I go stay with the babies for her, it just enables her to run errands easier, and to be with the boys more. And Katelyn, Brandon and I have a blast. The sweetest time is when I feed them lunch, they are half asleep, and I carry them up the stairs for their naps. I can't believe they are almost 2 years old! Look at her blog, and keep in mind that Blake comes about to my chest, and Derek about 3" shorter, and then realize how tiny they are. They start their growth hormone this weekend, I think. Today I think they went to learn how, and I forgot to call. I'm terrible about calling people. I have needed to call Barbara for days and I keep remembering too late. And I owe Lori a call. I wanted to call Amy tonite but didn't want to call late, and of course it was late when I finally got the phone to call.
Do go to A Tail of Six Foxes, and just look at the newest pictures. And yeah, one day this week, I look outside, and after being almost 60 one day,(I know it was that warm on Easter) it snowed 4" or more the next. And stayed all day. But it is so beautiful here when it snows, and Brent or Amy got some good photos of it off their deck. And it was AFTER the photos on the blog Easter Sunday! I took some photos but haven't even uploaded them yet. I don't think I've gotten a good shot since summer. Last year.
Well - I'm signing off. Here's to me getting WELL - well enough to WORK!!! I know of at least two places I want to apply. One is an alternative school, day program for "last chance" kids; teenagers in trouble with the law. The other is LDS Social Services. I can go ahead and get my license in Utah, but it will take me a long time. I won't actually get licensed with my PhD from Capella. I will be a "Doctor", but will hopefully teach - I hope at BYU. I would love to teach Psychology there, and have a practice on the side, helping chronic illness patients. Dr. Purser laughed when I told him, and I said,"what?" and he said, "You are getting ready to have a total paradigm shift where that is concerned!" - -because he can get people like me WELL!! Once I'm working, I'll bring Mary Beth out here and pay to get her well too!! Dr. Purser actually helped me realize I can go back to being a therapist when I go to work. I was prepared to take minimum wage job, because I didn't know how long I would last. But if the new medication (and supplements) do what they are supposed to, I'll be well. I don't know who is reading this, but if you scroll down on the right it shows how many visitors. So someone is!
AND, one more thing - I have zero self-esteem, or sense of self. I do not like myself, except as I see myself through the eyes of my grandchildren. Through everyone else's eyes, I see an old, fat lady who looks haggard, talks way too much, is self-centered and...through my own, I just see loneliness. The GOOD NEWS (besides the fact that no matter what, Heavenly Father loves me, and Jesus loves me - enough to die for me) is that I start "cognitive-behavioral" therapy this week. I'm excited. This person is supposed to be great, and works with ADHD - which is what makes me so discombobulated and makes me talk incessantly. And I can't get anything organized. Without the structure of work, and being so tired and ill, nothing is organized. But I just have to do school, or I will lose my mind. It's like a pinhole of light at the end of a very long tunnel. I better get to bed before I really start to cry.
Farewell, followers; until next time-
Kathie
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